Resident Evil 5: PARODY
by Reiko N Josh
Summary: Well I've finally lost it...Upon playing RE5 on co-op with a friend...My sanity has been depleted...So in reaction, I wrote this! Lets join our idiot on his most recent adventure shall we?
1. Chapter 1

Resident Evil 5: PARODY!

LOL I know what you're all thinking…."Seriously! ANOTHER story? Well that's just great…Now updates will be longer…" And you know…that's probably true…hehe … But hey! Only a select few of you really ever review… I could list the devoted ones off…But I don't want to piss anyone off…."Hey! You bastard! You listed my name! Now people are going to hunt me down! Gaah!" lol. But hey… I've decided anyone who actually leaves a review…Will be listed IF THEY CHOOSE TO BE…In the credits to any of my PARODY stories…And don't think "haha! What a dumb ass! She's lying!" Cause it's hard to NOT know when somebody reviews or likes it and doesn't review… Because for some reason… I get an email every time someone reviews or hits favorite or author alert or story alert….. ….. I don't know why….. It is rather annoying actually… Espescially since I am constantly emailing friends and stuff like email conversations…. Then I get a "You received a new email" And it's like Yippee! I click open and…DAMN! FF alert….fav author +…Well…Lets see who isn't reviewing! :3... Or FF review alert! "hmm..Well yes…lets open that…" Double click… "Ahh such a nice review….No no no Mr. anonymous, thank YOU! :P" lol…I'm so cheesy….So I actually do check all the people who are involved with these alerts… But It doesn't bother me so much. Oh one more thing!

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil! That belongs to Capcom!

Story warning: Just understand…. I have never played Resident Evil 5 myself…. Just co-op with a friend… And I was made to play as Sheva… Which I personally have no problem with… But I don't have the full understanding of the game…AND also many of the things I make fun of in this story, I've probably heard somewhere else but I'm going to make fun of those differently than I've heard, with a shit load of my own stuff to make fun of, lol, cause I don't want to steal anything, but its hard to come up with originality when there like a hundred gazillion RE5 parodies. I mean SERIOSLY! Come on! There's 5 story line games! And a crap load of…uhhh….I don't know the term for what Capcom uses… The things that reveal other stuff they have 2 terms… one for what is confirmed and one for what isn't. But anyway! Don't just focus you're parodies on 4 and 5. Just because THEY think that's the best in the series, doesn't mean its true…News flash! They aren't the best! For god sakes they're censored to the point it bores me….4 was okay though…I cheated though using a system I bought from a garage sale but… Yea..After that, it all just went to shit…. Gore I mean… But enough of my rambling ONWARD!

Chapter 1: Welcome To Africa! Home of the friendly!

A cloaked woman slowly circled a black man. She had been doing this for quite some time because she wanted to get it just right for when the time came that everyone finished adjusting the settings for the game. A man in a white suit was in the shadows watching while filing his fingernails. "What are you planning to do with that poor man?" He asked not really caring. The cloaked woman with a bird mask grabbed the man. His eyes began changing color and he cried out. The man in a white suit screamed. "What have you done! AAAHHH! He's turning into a zombie!" He shrieked and ran out.

The cloaked woman sighed and walked after him.

Meanwhile….

Delta team surrounded a warehouse. "HQ! We've secured the underground route to the place we're supposed to go!" Said the Delta team captain. "Very good captain! Now just sit tight until the plan gets screwed up by some un expected disaster!" said the HQ chief. "What does that mean sir? Should we be worried?" asked the captain. "No no no… Nothing to worry about! I'm sure you're mission will be over before you know it!" Assured the HQ chief. "Thanks sir! That really makes me feel better!" They ended the transmission. "BREAK OUT THE BEER COOLERS BOYS!"

XXX Chris XXX

"It didn't take long after the fall of Umbrella corporation….. The worlds umbrella's slowly disappeared making it hard to stay dry in the rain…Not to mention their Bio weapons being handed to naughty people… A new era of bio naughtiness decended, shifting the balance of power throughout nations and making that little bubble go really far to the bad direction! All over the world people feared another incident like Raccoon City was inevitable, I couldn't let that happen! Death to the furries! Even if they are cute and cuddly and make really good hentai! As panic spread like butter on toasted bread, the government turned to a big company to form the anti naughtiness group BSAA (Buff Steroid Abuser Association) Members of the BSAA were sent to stop and neutralize bio naughtiness wherever it reared it shit ugly head! It's people extended to regions around the big flat earth!"

Author: "The earth is round you douche bag!"

Chris blinked "Why do you have to interupt my monologue!"

Author: "Because it's boring god Damnit!"

Chris pulled over and got out of the truck. A woman walked up to him. "Hello tooshy!" Chris greeted. The girl slapped him. "What did you call me?" Chris rubbed his cheek. "Well… You're sexy ass was blocking the camera for a few seconds…So you're name must be tooshy…right?" The girl frowned. "My name is Sheva Alamar." She said. "Well that's a stupid name…" Said Chris smiling. Sheva slapped him again.

"Owwie!" Said Chris. "You'r not a very nice lady, you know that…?" He whined. "What makes you're name so cool then!" Growled Sheva. "Duh! It's REDFIELD! Like a field covered in blood! Blood is cool!" said Chris hyper actively. "Lets just go…We're partners now…" Sighed Sheva and started walking. Chris whispered something and had a dramatic flash back of Jill Valentines grave. "Are you coming?" Asked Sheva. "Yes…I'm sorry….I couldn't hear you because my head is very thick like my rippling muscles! Hooha!" Said Chris flexing. Sheva's mind was blown away by his massive pecks but hid her amazement. "Can we just go?" She said. "Fine…." Grumbled Chris. They walked into the village.

"Casualties continued to amount over the long years I've struggled…More and more I find myself wondering….Chocolate or Vanilla?…" Chris continued in his monologue. "Who are you talking to Chris?" Asked Sheva. "No one… I was just thinking up some stuff for my novel I'm writing!"

As they walked a African army grunt walked out and blocked they're path. "Halt! Debluda bla bla!" He said in a language no one in America understands. He started patting down Sheva and then felt her butt.

Sheva pushed him off. Chris gasped. "Hey! You can't touch tooshy! Tooshy is my buddy!….But if you pay me 50 dollars you can touch tooshy for an hour!" Said Chris. Sheva stared at Chris in disbelief. "I'm not a prostitute!" Shouted Sheva. Chris made a O shape with his mouth as if he now understood everything.

Sheva flashed her a BSAA badge and the man stood aside. They continued walking.

"There is one thing I do know…I have a mission to complete….I have to find a grocery store that sells canned ham." Chris said finishing his monologue. "Can you please stop talking to you're self Chris? It's freaking me out." asked Sheva. Chris sighed. "Fine…" He said following Sheva through a gate.

A sub title appeared in the sky. "Chapter 1-1 Civilian Checkpoint"

Chris slapped Sheva's arm. "Sheva! Sheva!" Shouted Chris grabbing the line of words. Sheva turned to look at Chris and was slapped across the face by the sub title Chris wielded. "OWW! What the hell Chris!" Sheva growled. "I just wanted to show you Sheva….Words can hurt people….So don't nag me on our mission okay?" Chris explained. Chris put the sub title in his item cache box. "Lets go Toosh!" Roared Chris and ran through the village. "ARRR! ARRR! I'm Chris! I like to run because walking is boring! And for some reason I never get tired!" He said in a deep manly voice.

He saw a man being chased by 2 people. "Ahh! Stay away from me!" shouted the African man being chased. The man was grabbed by two other African villagers and then dragged off. "Sheva! That man needs help!" Shouted Chris running after him. But Chris found they were gone. He walked back to Sheva. "Come on Chris!" Yelled Sheva. "GOD Sheva! Don't tell me what to do! I'm wearing the big boy pants here not you!" said Chris.

They continued to walk through the village, Chris stopped at every shop that had someone who called him sir. Chris bumped into a man. "Oh hey! My names Chris! What's you're name?" Asked Chris excited to make a new friend. The man stared at him silently. Chris stared back. The man stared more intensely, Chris stared back twice as intense. They stared each other down for another 30 seconds then Chris broke the silence. "Well I've got to go…You are starting to creep me out." He said and walked off in search of Sheva. "Tooshy! Tooshy where have you gone?" Chris seen 3 men beating a sack with sticks. "Oh hey guys! My names Chris!" They turned to look at him saying nothing. Chris looked at the sack that had blood on it.. "What's in that sack?… I know its not potatoes…" He said. They stared at him some more.

"You're evil….I'm getting out of here…" Said Chris and looked around. "Tooshy! Where have you gone?" He turned around and seen Sheva walking. "Oh there you are toosh…Wait for me tooshy!"

They walked up to a butcher shop. There was a creepy voice. "Go around to the back….I have popsicles there…" Sheva walked to the back. Chris followed. They were let in by a man in a turban. "HOLY SHIT! IT'S A TERRORIST!" Screamed Chris. The turban man raised his hands screaming "Where!"

Chris punched the turban man. "Ouch! What was that for you ass hole!" Shouted turban man. Chris grabbed turban man. "SO! Benladdin! You've been hiding in Africa have you!" The turban man laughed. "Sir… I think you are mistaken… I am you're contact.." Explained turban man. Chris nodded understanding and let go of the turban man.

"You're mission is to meet up with Delta team… They are having a party… So collect you're weapons and leave… I have a meeting to go to…." said the turban man walking out. Chris picked up a hand gun and aimed it around. "Look Tooshy! I got a shooter-meh-jigger!" cheered Chris. Sheva loaded her hand gun. Chris stared for a moment. "Tooshy! Why are you're Pillows blocking the screen! That's it! You're new name is Pillow!" Sheva screamed and tackled Chris and started slapping the shit out of him.

END OF CHAPTER 1: Next Chapter: Angry Neighbors!

Please find it in you're kind hearts to review!


	2. Chapter 2 Gay Egg Swallowing Orgy

Resident Evil 5: PARODY

well... Here a long awaited update, or..maybe no one cares! Iether way EVERYBODY wins! Haha! Or me at the very least.. My excuse is I was being todamn lazy to update and was enjoying role playing too damn much! I apologize... For enjoying life. anyway here's the update ENJOY.

P.S. Alot of this is poor humor but the funnier stuff is mixed in at random points.

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil

Chapter 2: Gay-zombie-egg-swallowing Orgy!

Chris and Sheva had loaded they're hand guns and were locked and loaded. Chris was speaking dramatically into his blue tooth headset. "This is Chris…I am ordering a massive tectonic evasive maneuver, sub alpha zero sub section 2…" He stated professionally. Sheva decided to ignore him. Chris walked around and saw a box "RAWR!" he roared and smashed the box with his machete "I am Chris! Mortal enemy of all things wooden and breakable!" he laughed pounding his chest with one hand. Sheva rolled her eyes "Chris that sounded stupid…" She said but was secretly very impressed. They headed out of the butcher shop and Sheva had been trying to think of something cool to say. Chris began walking "Remember Sheva…Or… Sheever…Whatever your name was, I wasn't really paying attention to the script…Whatever happens…We stick together." He stated heroically as he envisioned using her as a human shield. "Don't worry!" Sheva exclaimed "I might not be as big as you but I can hold my own!" she said finally satisfied with her cool comment. Chris looked at her funny "Hold your own what..? Oh god! Get the hell away from me!.." he exclaimed as he ran down an alley Sheva looked both humiliated and angry "Chris! You sick bastard!" she shouted as she ran after him.

They came across a dead goat that was hog tied, spears were sticking out of it's sides and crows appeared to be feasting on the carcass. Chris roared like thebeast he was "Get away from goat!" He shouted madly as he opened fire on the crows. He reached the goat and saw the crows on the ground and the carcass.

"Oh no..I'm too late..Mission failed Sheva! its over..Oh hey! The crow crapped out some gold!" He exclaimed as he picked it up. Sheva approached. "Chris what are you doing? You can't just run around screaming like a banshee! You'll alert the enemy..Where did you get the money?" she asked as she drooled for secretly she was completely broke. Chris pulled Sheva into a one armed hug. "Good news Sheva... It turns out there really is a God! He has performed the miracle of making birds crap money..Haluh-looya!" He exclaimed excitedly. Sheva felt herself heat up in Chris's arm. "I'm an Atheist.." she stated simply before being dropped on her ass. "You, bitch.." Chris said as he walked off.

They entered a tool shed where there was a goat tied up in a twisted ritual fashion, the ropes binded to the walls to hold it. Chris freaked out."Oh god! Those sick bestiality bondage whores!" he growled in disgust. Sheva grabbed some gold off the counter averting Chris's anger. "What the hell

Sheva! What! The! Hell! That was MY gold!" he said in a jerk like fashion. Sheva rolled her eyes "Sharing is important.." she stated simply with no intention of sharing anything she found.

Chris found a paper written in blood.

Xx Random Paper xX

All outsiders will be dealt with by the firm but steady Blade of punishment! Now we need to pick up the milk and eggs and most importantly we need to pick up some dark meat or else we will all suffer the wrath of the chieftan!

P.S. If there is an outsider reading this don't tell anyone!

Xx End of random paper xX

Chris crumpled the paper "Those sick bastards...Blood is hydrogenic!" he said dramatically. Sheva looked like she was about to puke which to Chris only made him much much cooler. He dashed for the door but Sheva got in the way. "What are you doing!" he asked loudly. "Get out of the way! Move!" he shouted in frustration as Sheva stood there like a doped up druggy.

Author: I think we've all established that Sheva's sole purpose in life is to make things difficult for Chris.

"Die!" Chris shouted in the heat of the moment and shot at Sheva but for some reason nothing happened! Sheva looked shocked "You tried to kill me!" she exclaimed. Chris silently cursed Capcom for making the game Anti-Friendly fire. "Damn you Ashley Graham!" he screamed to the heavens. Sheva stared. "What..?" Chris looked "Huh?" Sheva blinked "Who's Ashley Graham?" Chris looked confused "You should really stay out of the sun Sheva, its fucking with your head." he stated as he walked past her.

Chris walked out of the shed only to hear someone scream. "Oh nooo! Someone is disturbing the peace! Come on Sheverr!" he shouted as he ran to the ran straight "Did you hear that! It came from that building!" she stated. Chris sighed "Weren't you listening I already...Hey! Wait for me!" he said running after her. They entered the apartment building.

They encountered two african men who were holding down another african man. "False alarm Sheva" Chris said. "Just some gay dudes getting jiggy with it.." He said getting ready to leave. "Chris! What are you doing!...Nobody says "getting Jiggy with it" anymore!..The hells the matter with you? You get shot around here for saying shit like that!" She warned. Chris looked stunned "Woa...Sheva you just turned a shade blacker then the white girl you were acting like.." Sheva grinned at the compliment but was interrupted by the African man on the bottom of the orgy. "Excuse me! I'm trying to enjoy myself!" he complained but was gagged as they shoved some kind of egg into his mouth. Sheva was watching intently. "Oh wow...If only I had some popcorn!.." She mumbled. Chris looked disgusted and aimed his gun. "Back off gay dudes!" he shouted. The two african men ontop stood up and ran off.

The African man-in a red shirt got on his knee's hacking and coughing "Oh god! You made me swallow it down the wrong tube!" he croaked. Chris walked over to him "Are you okay?" he asked as the man pushed Chris away. Sheva sighed "Of course he's not okay Chris! He's a ZOMBIE..And now he's bleeding out his eyes...Maybe we should get him to a doctor?" she suggested. "Brilliant deduction Sheva..While your at it go back to watching your gay porn.." Chris said in irritation. The man became silent as he stood up. Chris looked at Sheva for a moment before asking. "Is he a doctor?" The African man-in-red wobbled alittle he then proceeded to say the most intelligant line in history of gaming.. "GRAAAHH!" he howled and ran at them in a gay rage.

"Chris look out!" Sheva screamed as the man grabbed Chris, an alien-like-tongue sprouted from his mouth "OH-MI-GOD SHEVA HELP! HE'S TRYING TO KISS ME!" Shrieked Chris in panic of losing his virginity to a man. Sheva watched in wonder. "Sheva!" Chris screamed as he pushed the man off him and and pointed his gun. He paused wanting to say something cool but Sheva shot the man in the head. "Oh god! My face!" screamed the gay-zombie-man.

Chris roared and hooked him with his arm making him hit the wall. "RAWR! My name is Chris! And!" He was interupted by a gunshot that had killed the gay-zombie-man Sheva stood theyr looking smug. "And everybody haaates Chris!" She sang in reference to her favorite show. "Sheva! What the hell! You just stole my thunder!" He complained. Sheva laughed "You keep talking like that and it'll be true!" she stated as she marked down on a notepad.

Xx Score sheet xX

Chris: 7

Sheva: 1

XxxxxX

Chris sighed and walked out of the apartment mumbling to himself "Your next..." Chris kicked in a door "Oh my gawd Sheva! Theres a zombie in here!" he exclaimed. "Really?" she asked. "No..." Chris stated as he examined a jar. "This jar is full of horrible illegal stuff!" he said. "How do you know?" Asked

Sheva. "I don't..I just need a reason to shoot people...I forgot my license to kill back in Vegas.." He said as he entered a flash back.

Sheva popped the bubble. "NO! We are not spamming the story with rediculous fillers!...It sucks enough as it is.." she grumbled. Chris nodded "OH-MI-GOD! A window! HAA!" he roared as he dove through the window doing a flip as he landed on his feet. "Grr! Man power!" he said acting tough. Sheva jumped out "Chris stop abusing the neighborhood!"Chris rolled his eyes as Sheva ran off. "Come on! They'll find us soon!" she called out. Chris followed. "Don't tell me what to do Sheva! I'll go where I want and when I want!" suddenly some angry-monster-men began shouting in a language Chris didn't understand. "Ooooh no...Oh dear.." Chris said as he watched them come from every possible place. "We have to get out of here!" Sheva exclaimed as she ran off. "No..I'm good thanks.." He said watching the angry-monster-men run at them. "Chris! Hurry! We can't fight them here!" she yelled "ALRIGHT!" Chris

shouted and ran inside a building. Sheva locked the door. "I was under the impression you were MY partner Sheva! I'm the hero! ME!...Stop telling me what to do... Its degrading.." Chris whined.

The radio buzzed as Chris pushed buttons "Kirk! get your white ass on the radio! We're under attack!" he shouted. "This is Kirk..Chris, your white too you know.." replied Kirk. "Am not!" Said Chris "I'm Caucasian.. " Kirk was silent for a moment. "Right...My apologies...But your orders still stand." he said before cutting out. Sheva was panicking which made Chris feel even cooler. "What does that mean?" She asked "Was HQ expecting this?" Chris nodded "Yes Sheva... I'm afraid they sent us in as bait... And without a fishing pole.." he said. Sheva found an iron door and kicked it but it wouldn't budge, she

kicked it again but nothing happened. "Chris..?" She began but was cut off as Chris dove at the door like an all star football player "CHRIS SMASH DOOR!" he roared and laughed as Sheva was sandwiched between him and the door. She laid on the ground crying in pain. "Shake it off Sheverr... There's lots more doors to smash in this crazy ass world.." he said heroically as he walked off.

He came across a giant axe. "Bet that thing could cut you in half Sheva.." he teased before running off. He jumped down into a hole "Come on Sheeverr!" he said excitedly. "Its Sheva!" she called out as she followed. "Don't care!" he said "Because I'm running along, singing a song until I climb this ladder!" he sang.

"Outside!...Wait...Damn..." he said as he found himself in another building. "I am Chris...Tunnel master extroardinair..HYAAH!" He exclaimed as he kicked open the door. He came to another house where there was an angry mob outside. A angry monster man megaphone guy was shouting. "Hey! This bastard had the moxy! the audasity! To own a butcher shop! And then tell me! He doesn't hold any dark meat!" He shouted obnoxiously into the megaphone.

Chris brightened "Hey! its man in a turban!" he said. Suddenly man in a turban was decapitated by angry monster axe man. "Ohh..Poor man in a turban.." Said Sheva. Suddenly Chris was yelling out the window "Boo! You guys suck! Boo!" Sheva's heart seemed to skip a beat. "Chris! What the hell!" She shrieked pulling him from the window. "Don't worry Sheva, I don't think they saw me.." he comforted her. There was a tap on the glass, Chris looked to see thousands of eyes looking in. "Aw Shit..." Chris mumbled.

END OF CHAPTER 2


	3. Chapter 3 Angry Neighbors!

Resident Evil 5: PARODY

Hey, I'm typing this as I babysit. And I have a question for all of you...Or at-least those who remember...What ever happened to the children shows of our childhood? Now we have those wierd shows like "Agent Oso", "Chuggington", And that one with the talking girl dog Martha...Also theres the whole word girl BS... What happened to Tomas the Tank Engine! What happened to Wattamess! What happened to Doug! By the way Doug would be the strangely drawn fellow named Doug Funny. Yea, what the hell! Oh and theres lots of other shows that have been replaced by really bad knock offs! I would like to know why! PLEASE! Send your best flames about these new shows! I would LOVE to hear them!

By the way..Alot of this we came up with while role-playing as we played co-op mode. And by that I mean I would say things like "What the hell was that Sheva!" To which she would reply, "He was coming right at me! You saw it!" and then after the angry mob it was all going like "Hello, my name is Chris, I'm a traveling body builder, sign up now for a free subscription" and she would say "We don't want your fancy free shit! Get them!" and then the fight was on... READ REVIEW ENJOY!

ONE MORE THING! I was alerted to the fact that I may need a beta by a very much appreciated reviewer. Just know that, I am very very technologically challenged which is a much nicer way of saying, I'm dumber then a box of low quality rocks, which explains this story... And plus I'm typing this up on a Mac... For some reason it corrects me with the most retarded manner! into for example... it should be in to. or something. it corrects it as in-to. WTF! Also I cannot get IMVU to work on it, it downloads like a dream but just refuses to run. You'd think a computer thats almost immune to virus's would be decent! Most virus's are coded to Windows brands and other more popular ones. But enough of my technology handicapped nerd talk.

Chapter 3: Angry Neighbors!

Author's Prelude: "Last time on Resident Evil 5: PARODY! Chris having received his special mission, got his first true taste of his partner Sheva's true colors! Annoying, nagging, always in the way... Things quickly went downhill as the gay orgy men set they're minds onto turning the world EVIL! What will happen now that the worlds only hope, Man in a turban, has been executed? Cause Chris...He's just...He's just...Chris.."

XXXXXXX

"Chris why is this happening!" Sheva shrieked as the army of angry monster men ran at them."Dunno Sheva...Thats what happens when you spy on your neighbors!..Quick! push that cabinet in-front of the window!" He commanded "And I'll get this one!" he sang as something inside Chris's mind seemed to click as he blockaded the door. "Did that work?" he asked

there was a loud thud to the door as it refused to budge. "Oh YEAH!" Chris exclaimed doing a rock star strut around the room as he sang "Come crawling faster!...Obey your Master! Your life runs faster!...Obey your master! master! Master of Puppets i'm pulling your strings! Twisting your mind and smashing you're...Oh shit!" he cut off as the cabinet was smashed and the scary monster men began climbing in. Chris opened fire roaring like a beast as he shot "RAA! RAA! Rawr! Rawr!.. Have some of this you demons! AWR!" He roared. "Chris! I already killed that guy!" Sheva exclaimed as she was struggling to fight them off.

"I knew that Sheva! I'm not...I'm not an idiot..Heh..heh heh..." He said to cover his mistake. They unleashed a hail storm of bullets. "Oh! AAAH! My arm!" howled a scary monster man. "AAH! my face!" he howled as he was shot again! "AAH! My groin!" He cried out. "Just die damnit!" Shouted Chris as he right hooked the monster man killing him instantly. "Good work Sheverr.." Chris said in a masculine tone "They almost had us there..." Suddenly the roof was smashed into an opening. "Oh my gawd they're everywhere!" Chris exclaimed again as he vaulted out the broken window leaving Sheva behind. "They're everywhere! Oh my.. what an angry bunch of people! ooh what a world!" he said opening fire again. Sheva climbed out as she opened fire.

"Chris calm down!" She said suddenly taking over the roll of the cool one, she jumped kicking a monster man in the side of the head sending him tumbling through the air. "Oh no you didn't!" Chris exclaimed as he was freaking out, he ran over to the monster man that he had just shot "Get away you Zummbee!" he cried out as he kicked the monster man sending him crashing into a group of men. "Oh Nuu!" he exclaimed. "He has a machete!" He said running away. Sheva rolled her eyes. "Chris! Life or death situations isn't an excuse for horrible grammar!" She scolded as she killed another one. "Silence Sheva! I ish the bestest talker! You no judge meh!" he exclaimed. Sheva decided it was best to practice disdain at this moment and ignore him.

Suddenly the executioner walked up to the other side of the fence with a very large axe. "Oh! This is going worse then anything in the history of forever! Oh nooo!..Now theres a big guy with an axe!" Chris said on the verge of a breakdown. Sheva slapped Chris. "Thanks Sheva..I needed that.." he said cooly. The fence came crashing down with a blow of the man's mighty axe. Chris reloaded his pistol. "Come on Sheva! Lock and load!" he said as he ran off randomly into the village.

"Kirk! Come in!" Chris commanded. "Sup Chris?" Kirk answered. "Oh, nothing..How's the wife and kids?" Chris asked as he took a seat on a crate crossing one leg over the other as he leaned back relaxing. "Ahh..You know how it goes... My son admitted he is a pacifist.. He says my whole career is wrong..My daughter said she was going to become a vegetarian so i whooped her ass till it glowed like a Christmas tree and sent her to her room." Kirk sighed. "Isn't your daughter like..23?" Chris pointed out in question. "DON'T JUDGE ME!" Screamed Kirk. Sheva was being strangled by a woman who sprouted freaky plant like jaws from her mouth. "OH GOD! Chris! Help!" she screamed muffledly into the jaws as they frenched her, secretly it was the best kiss of her life. "Get away from my baby-cakes!" Chris roared as he right hooked the monster woman sending her tumbling back. "AAH! My boob!" She shrieked in pain. Sheva smacked him. "Chris! You don't go and hit a woman in the pom poms damnit! That hurts like hell!" She scolded. "Sorry pom pom lady.." Chris apologized. "Such a nice man.." the woman said before screaming her death as Chris stomped her head. Sheva and Chris began running like hell once more. "Theres just no end to them!" Sheva cried out. "Duh Sheva! They're ZOMBIES! Haven't you noticed? Alot of them look the same!...They NEVER DIE!" he said as he kicked a door in. "Quick Sheva in here! AH! They've opened the door! Shoot them Sheva!" He commanded as they both opened fire. "Gosh your bossy today Chris..." Sheva Mumbled.

Chris picked up some ammo he found under a pile of tomato's. "Why are there grenades in the tomato's!" he asked, A monster man walked up. "Oh hey man, thats mine..Could I get that back?" he asked casually. "It talks!" Sheva exclaimed. "It's amazing!" Chris said. "Its brilliant!" Sheva pointed out. "It must DIE!" Chris screamed and punched the english-speaking-monster-man. And so died the monster man.

Chris ran out of the house in a zigzagging pattern. "Serpentine Sheva! Serpentine!" He tactically exclaimed. Sheva walked passed the monster men apologizing profusely at they're confused looks. The axe man roared as he lifted his axe and smashed a wall. "Run Sheva! I'm gonna make a quick exit cause this is scarier then hell!" Chris shouted as he ran through the busted out wall like a charging rhino bashing people aside with his massive pecks of doom. "Rawr! I'm Chris!..." he began but was cut off. "WE KNOW!" Shouted the army of monster men in irritation to his constant introductions. Sheva screamed "I need help!" as she was about to be cut in half by the giant axe man. "Why do you have to be in there with that..Terrafying man?" He asked as he tuck and rolled through the window knocking monster men away in the process. They then continued to run. Chris spotted a machine gun and ran at it laughing madly. Sheva picked it up holding it in the air as victory music played.

Author: Seriously! A Zelda reference!"

Sheva's eyes widened at the mysterious voice. "Ghosts!" she howled unleashing a hailstorm of bullets not bothering to aim, suddenly a barrel exploded in the most epic effect Chris had ever seen. "Woah! Sheva! Did you see that shit! Those are the best graphics I've ever seen!" He exclaimed. Sheva blinked. "What are you talking about Chris?" She asked. Chris blinked and then recomposed himself. "You blew up a barrel Sheva...Very loud, lots of fire..You wouldn't understand, its very complicated." he stated before running off.

Author: Well...I think I've hit every nick point so far...But this is dragging on and to tell you the truth, while most fan fics focus on fighting the axe man at this part...I enjoy fucking my way around until its over.

Chris looked around. "Hey! Its you! Creepy sky stalker person!" Sheva secretly was beginning to worry about Chris. A helicopter was heard in the distance, kirk flew over head. "I'm here! Take cover I'm gonna blow the door open!" he said over the radio. "Wow, you're nice...Blowing up doors...I'm Kirk..I'm gonna blow the door up in a fiery explosion to steal the glory.." He mumbled. "No..Your Chris remember?" Sheva pointed out. "Oh yea! I'm Chris! And i'm gonna hide behind this flimsy wooden structure from the impending explosion Rawr! lets go Shevarr..." he said. Kirk aimed a rocket launcher at the door leaving Sheva to think "Who's flying the chopper?" The door exploded in a fiery passion that seemed to scream the many cliché's of Resident Evil.

The angry-axe man person ran upto Chris, he was panting heavily "Now you die!" He roared as he raised his axe. Chris pointed his gun but then a wierd voice seemed to speak to him. All became clear. He grabbed the sub-title he had in his inventory from the first chapter, he wielded it like a samurai warrior and screamed the first almost understandable thing that came to him "AWYA!ISTABJUINDAHFACE!" He screamed as he bitch slapped the axe man with the sub-title as hard as he could. The Axe man screamed like a little school girl. "NO! Word! OH GOD! MY MORTAL ENEMY!" he screamed as he perished.

"Chris you scare me..." Sheva said as they walked off. "Good Sheva...All is as it should be..." Chris said darkly as he laughed.

Xx The Unoficial End of Chapter One Even Though It's Chapter 3 Already. xX

Results:

Chris has killed 43 scary-monster men.

"Aw YEAH! Eat your heart out Shevarr!" Chris exclaimed.

Sheva has killed 44 Scary-monster men.

"OOH! Sham-Pow Bitch! Who's the fool now! Huh! Yea! Thats right! Sheva!" cheered Sheva as she bagan hip hop dancing only to stop. "Wait what..?" She asked realizing her mistake.

Chris shot the end results. "I hate this game.." He said in a poor sporting attitude as he walked to the next chapter.

Xx Chapter 2-1 xX

Author: "Kind of funny now that we're on chapter 3..."

Kirk spoke over the loud speaker. "Chris. Sheva. You can thank me later..." Kirk began. "Fuck you!" Chris shouted still irritated that Kirk had to steal the spotlight with a rocket launcher. "...Its almost time for Alpha team to start their get piss drunk and die party!" Kirk stated. "Oh woah woah woah! Why aren't WE Alpha team!" Chris exclaimed. Kirk cut out. Sheva snuck off. Chris walked over and picked up a box of hand gun ammo. "Guess what Sheva! I got a gun!" Chris called out in the cutest and most annoying way he could manage.

Sheva was on the other side of a gate at this time. "What the hell! How did you get over there?" He asked as she stood there staring at him un-responsively. Her head set was set to barbie girl as she watched Chris flail his arms yelling at her. Finally Chris was pissed and spent 20 minutes running around the area before finally finding his way over to Sheva who was on the phone. "What the hell Sheva!I'm the hero okay! Me! You wait for me! We are supposed to stick together!" He began his rant. Sheva waited for him to finish before giving her imput. "You selfish selfish moo-cow.." She said walking off. She came to a broken ladder. "Chris! Come here!" She shouted. "This ladder is broken...We need to find some sort of super genius tactic to get up there..It needs to be clever but quick and strategic..." She continued on with more things to say that is too hard to come up with. Chris blinked as she pictured Sheva with nerd glasses. "NERD!" He roared as he grabbed her and threw her up the ladder, Sheva screamed bloody murder as she flailed her arms and somewhere along the way her under pants were caught on the broken flag pole. "OH-MI-GOD! Chris you bastard!" She shrieked in discomfort.

Author: "Wow...I...Theres just toomuch to say at this moment..."

"What do you see Sheva!" Chris shouted. "Oh god!...Its high school all over again...Oh hey! I found a Shiny!" Sheva called down as she grabbed a key. Chris punched the wall "Damnit!" he cursed causing Sheva to fall on her ass behind him. "I wanted the shiny." He pouted ignoring Sheva's discomfort. "Here Sheva...Take this herb because...You deserve it." he said before running off. Chris ran upto a house and once again kicked the door open because it'd be far too boring and easy to simply use the door knob. "Hello! I'm Christopher! I've come to save the day!" He called out in a gay voice. "Is there anybody home?" he asked in a deeper more manly voice as he began raiding the house of all its valuable randomly placed money and ammo.

He ran out the door and found another broken ladder. He looked at Sheva who ran like hell. "Chris NO!" She screamed as Chris grabbed her arm. "Don't back sass me young lady!" He said as he hurdled her up the ladder. Sheva hit the wall and fell on her back. "Oh god!...I'm dying chris!" She whined. "Use this!" he called out as he decked her in the head with a can of first aid spray. "OUCH! Chris! Why are you being such a dick!" she yelled. "Sorry Sheva!" he apologized and all was forgiven.

They ran around the corner and found a woman sitting on a dead man doing suspicious activity. "OY! What are you doing to that poor man!" Chris exclaimed. "She's a zombie!" Sheva exclaimed. "Take her down!" Chris roared as they opened fire. Chris shot her. "OW My back!" She cried out at she stumbled. Sheva shot her. "Ooch! my face!" she whined. "YARRG!" Roared Chris roared as he brought his fist down on her head finishing her off.

Author: Okay...I know you have a scruffy beard coming in...But pirate noises are unacceptable..

Chris laughed in victory. "I am Chris! Mighty muscle warrior!" He laughed as he ran around a corner and then came back screaming "Where did you guys come from!" as he ran the opposite direction. A blonde woman was screamed as she was being dragged away. "Oh no!" Chris cried out. ""I'll save you blonde lady person!" he shouted. suddenly there was screaming over the radio. "Oh double no! Someone's having a scream!" He said as Sheva shot a man, Chris roared "IMA-KICK-JU-INDA-FACE!" as he stomped his foot in the man's head. "Ha! Have some of that!" he said as he ran onward listening to the screaming. "Oh no! Agh! Damn fudge! Urgh! That fudge sucked! GAAAHH!" he shrieked.

Chris ran through the streets humming the mission impossible theme song. Sheva jumped around a corner as the james bond theme played she shot a man in the shoulder. "Ow! What the hell!" cried the monster man. Chris slashed him with his machete. "Ah! You stabbed me!" Sheva shot him. "Oh my groin!" Chris shot him until he died. "Oh you shot me! Ah! you did it again! Ah! and again! Oh shit I'm dead!" he said as he melted into the ground. Chris grinned broadly. "Thats right...Cause I'm Chris...Unffortunately..I forgot my ID..." he said in disappointment.

Chris sighed as he ran down the road. "Why is this village so boring...?" Just then 3 angry devil men jumped from behind boxes. "Oh thats nice...Arent you alittle ugly to be playing in card board boxes?" Chris asked. "Hey man, I have feelings to you know.." said the emo white devil man. "LIAR!" Screamed Chris as he slashed him in the face with his machete of awesomeness. He brought his fist down on his head as emo devil man died. Lady in a table cloth skirt attacked Sheva with her machete of evil-ness. Chris right hooked her "Have some of this then you evil Curr!" he shouted. "Thanks Chris..." Sheva mumbled. "Let us go Sheeverr...Onward to impending doom and horror..." He said heroicly as he marched off.

They ran out of what seemed like the billionth house. "What the hell is wrong with Capcom Sheva? Sure thousands of houses are cool in games but its a pain in the ass to follow a script when all it says is a building...Bastards.." He mumbled. Sheva was utterly confused. "Oh no! Its a bloody woman!" He cried out in reference to the cave man drawing on the wall. "AAH! Sheva! I'll save you!" He shouted as he emptied his clip on it. "Killed her Sheva...Your safe now.." he said as he ran over to a iron gate. Sheva stared in astonishment...Not because that was possibly the most retarded thing she'd ever seen...But because Chris cared enough to save her from danger that never happened.

Sheva walked over to a iron gate she kicked it. "Ow my foot!" she cried. "Quit bitching Sheva, GOD, your like some little princess..." He said as he kicked open the gate. Suddenly the random blonde girl from before ran out. "Please! Somebody please help me!" She screamed. A black man came out to grab her Chris shot him in the eye. "AAAH! WHAT THE HELL MAN!" he howled in pain. Sheva stopped Chris. "Chris! Stop! your going to..AAAAAHHH!" She screamed as the YOU ARE DEAD screen came up. "Good job chris! You glitched the game!" she yelled "Shut up Sheva! I'll just hit reset jeez...Grab a tampon in the mean time.."

Suddenly the girl was pulled into the building as if nothing happened. "Phew, that was close.." stated Sheva. "UGH! Sheva weren't you listening! It said AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED! read the text damnit!" Chris scolded. "...Jerk.." She mumbled.

END OF CHAPTER 3

Okay, I already have the next 2 chapters all typed up! Woot! This weekend was boring as hell! But I'm gonna hold off on updating for a bit heh, I read all my reviews for the RE: PARODY's i have. I must say i have all good reviews and it really inspired me to write more, I wasn't even going to update THIS chapter yet but a certain reviewer left me a nice one so this chapter is dedicated to them, they were the first to review on both chapter 1 AND 2.

I dedicate this chapter to: Boss-Awesome!


	4. Chapter 4 Is that a POKEMON?

Resident Evil 5 PARODY

Authors Note: WOOO hey guys, im finally finished with colledge...And i got bored tonight and then remembered...I have a fanfiction account... And as I read some of my stories..I realized..I have fan fics to update!...And as I thought that i said "I have time on my hands!" and here I am...Now..A couple comments...I read like just the authors note in Rebecca's final report...and WTF WAS I SMOKING!? I sound like a horrible horrible woman! So THIS is why im on psychotic medication!...ahem..Anyway..thinking about deleting it..after all.. I love Rebecca.. second note...Thinking about deleting RE 2 PARODY...And WAS thinking about deleting this one..but I realized..I finally beat the game...Plus downloaded extra content... So why not finish? Also some time in the future you can probably expect-maybe not, a Lost In Nightmare PARODY or Desperate Escape PARODY... Dunno...I read this story over and laughed my ass off lol, hopefully I can live up to your guys's expectations who requested more.. Constructive critisism is welcome. Im going to skip ahead though to the warehouse...

Chapter 4: Is that a pokemon?!

Chris stood aroun chatting with a smile "And then Rebecca was all like 'YOU HAD A CELL PHONE?!" he exclaimed, Sheva had been listening to him forever before she blinked "Oh hey, we're back on the air!" she said as she rushed towards the stairs leading upto the building the Blonde girl was in. "Wait!" Chris exclaimed, Sheva stopped and looked "What?!" Chris frowned "Clearly that way is a trap..." He said. Sheva smiled "So you dont want to rescue the damnsel in distress?" she asks. Chris blinked "Maybe I should go first...My awesome muscles will foil this dangerous trap.." he says as he rushed up with Sheva, kicking open the door "Alright..." he said walking inside aiming his pistol, Sheva followed cautiously.

The blonde woman staggered forward, falling into Chris's arms "Thank you..." she said, Chris grabbed her "Now you infected piece of bio-naughtyness! Admit your evil!" he exclaimed. The woman's eyes widened "What? N..No I just.." She stuttered getting interupted by Chris "LYER!" he shouted as he snapped her neck just as a few of the people who had brought her here came in "What the hell man?!" one of them shouted "Im sorry..She was evil.." he said "What are you talking about?! She was practicing her role for the next poltergeist movie!" yelled the other man. "Dont lie to me!" yelled Chris. as he beat them senseless.

Sheva blinked "Chris..." she said as some evil-monster men walked in "Murderer!" they shouted "We were shooting a MOVIE...You killed all of them you monster!" Chris's eye twitched "Quick Sheva!" he exclaimed as he rushed out the doorway, down the stairs and climbed up a ladder, Sheva following close behind him. who then kicked the ladder down.

"Oh NOW you have something against ladders to?!" asked the Majini "You know how hard it is to build a ladder without any tools?!" he asked "Pretty damn hard!" Chris growled "Yeah what the hell Sheva!" he asked, jumping down as one of the Majini hit Chris with an axe "AHH! Sheva im dying!" he yelled, the Majini rushing off towards Sheva "WHAT?! Too good to finish me off?!" yelled Chris "Come back and finish the job you pussy!" he taunted. Sheva shot the majini "Chris hold on!" she said "NO...Now im just insulted..Stay the hell away from me.." he said after being revived. They continued on their journey...

As they walked the radio turned kicked on "Mathison to HQ...We've lost contact with Alpha team...The annual get piss drunk and die party is canceled..Sheva Chris.. Move in towards the party location!" he stated "Sheva here. Rodger" she said "NO SHEVA...I am the hero! Stop stealing my lines!" he exclaimed before rushing forward. "I dont need you.." he said before walking upto a door "Now help me open this door..." he added, Sheva sighed and assited him.

Once inside the warehouse they ran around for hours before figuring out that they had missed a turn. "HAha I feel dumb.." Chris chuckled "You should.." Sheva commented as she ran ahead "Grab this ammo!" she exclaimed "No! I dont want it...You take it" he argued "Take it damnit!" she exclaimed "MAKE ME" screamed Chris "Please?" She asked "Thats better.." he said grabbing the ammo as they rushed upstairs, skipping the uselessness...Until..."Is this Chocolate?!" asked Chris as he stood under a oozing stream of goo letting it run into his mouth Sheva blinked "Chris stop eating the wall goo.." she sighed "Stop telling me what to do! Im a big boy!" he cried out before rushing off..

They found one of the members of Alpha team, Dechant... "Hey...Are you okay?" Sheva asked "Sheva of course he's not okay...He needs a doctor!" he said before Dechant groaned, Chris punched him screaming in surprise "What the hell man?!" asked Dechant "Sorry I thought you were dead.." Chris apologized. "No...We finally got our party set up...But i'll be fine...I need to sober up..I got a report that someone assassinated the celebrity actress who was going to sign our autographs...Tensions got high and.." Chris shot the man in the head "WHAT THE HELL!?" shrieked Sheva "Chris frowned "You heard him Sheva! He knows about the actress! We're fudgitives!...I had to put him out of his misery.." he stated. Sheva's eye twitched "I..You...But..." she didn't know how much more she could take of this insanity...Chris grabbed her arm "No time for nervous break downs Sheva! Lets go to the basement for NO reason!" he exclaimed as he dragged her to the elevator.

Once the Elevator reached the basement they walked off towards the door "Its locked she said..." quietly as she looked around, there was a corpse on the ground. Chris laughed a little "Of course it is..Dont you pay attention Sheva?" he asked before seeing sludge dizzling from the cieling, tentacles reaching down and beginning to intertwine amongst the body on the floor, a monster formed. "What is that?!" asked Sheva Chris gasped "Is...A POKEMON!" he exclaimed Sheva gasped "Thats obsurd Chris..Capcom would never do such a thing...Thats copyright.." she says Chris yawned "You really are a kill joy huh.." he said as the monster headed towards them, they ran down the hallway, Chris stopped "Its a MUK!" he exclaimed "Im gonna catch it!" he said before realizing he didn't have any pokeballs and smacked his forehead "Just the luck of anyone who finds something they want!" he exclaimed as he rushed into the furnace room.

Sheva tipped over the fire barrels groaning as they were heavy "Work woman! Work!" Chris shouted "Feel free to help!" screamed Sheva yelled as the Pokemon inspired parody began!MUK has Challenged BSAA Team Chris and Sheva!

Chris shouted "Go Sheva! I choose you!" he exclaimed as he pointed, Sheva used 'Handgun' it was super effective! MUK has exploded! "Good Job Sheva!" he exclaimed before MUK rose up "Sheva! Look out! use quick attack!" he yelled, Sheva screamed as she barely dodged its arm "CHRIS!" she yelled angrily "HELP!" she screamed "I AM GIVING ORDERS! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" he shouted as he rushed into the Furnace.

MUK slowly regenerated back to its original form, as it knocked Sheva aside, crawling into the furnace after Chris. "Quick! Sheva! Use Incinerate!" he exclaimed as he backed away running out of the furnace, Sheva nodded "Okay!" as she pulled the lever, the alarms sounding as the doors slowly closed, MUK used 'constrict'! Chris was pulled into the furnace! "SHEVA!" he hollared as he growled "I'll use thrash attack!" he shouted as he thrashed violently barely getting away as he slid beneath the doors at the last second, MUK screeched as it was burned to death.

BSAA Team Chris and Sheva won the battle! They got 'Furnace Key' for winning!

Chris and Jill panted as they caught their breath. "Good job Sheva.." he said stuffing a cookie in her mouth. Sheva blinked not knowing where this cookie came from, but chose not to question it. They left the furnace room...

Chris and Sheva stepped off the elevator into what looked like a parking garage, nearby a camera watched them...

Chris walked over to one of the RECON vehicles, opening the door he proceeded to open a computer hard drive "I havent checked my Face-book in a long time.." He said as he opened up the web browser. The radio spoke "Chris, Sheva, come in!...We have reason to believe that the man responsible for this act of terrorism is a man named Irving that should have been mentioned before...He is on his way to the mines...We need you to go over there and stop him before he unleashes any mor B.O.W's.." stated HQ "It was a POKEMON!" argued Chris.

Sheva blinked "Are you serious?! You want us to go in there alone?!" she asked in shock..."We cant afford to lose anymore time...The president has already spent all the BSAA money on this get piss drunk and die operation!...We NEED results!" he exclaimed "Your mission still stands...Delta team is on their way..HQ over.." the transmission ended.

Chris was checking his facebook as he nodded "No new friend requests...no new status..nothing...Damn...Well...Atleast I still have you BOB...Your always there for me.." he said smiling at the ONLY friend he had on facebook. He closed out of it and nodded before blinking, seeing something in the tabs, he opened it and saw a picture of his old partner Jill Valentine. Blinking he thought to himself. 'Jill?!...' He closed the computer quietly as he remembered that fateful day..."OOOOh...A butterfly!" he exclaimed getting distracted at the screen saver. "Chris theres no time, we have to move on" said Sheva, Chris nodded "Right.." he said closing the laptop...

XXXXXXXXXXX

Elsewhere...Watching Chris from the security feed was a scrawney man "...So...Their after my prescious G-virus eh..?" he began before the cloaked woman spoke "...That was 3 sequals ago dumb ass.." she said. "GR...Well aint-chu just the Lore of the land?! I wuz tryin teh sound less of ah homeh-sexual..But NOOOooo...Ya had teh bust my chops!" he scowled in a foreign accent.. "Shut up..." she said as she drove off.

XXXXX END OF CHAPTER 4 XXXXX

Authors: Okay so this was a very short chapter by my standard... But now I'm back, im not entirely sure of myself with this chapter wether it was funny, alot of it strikes me as stupid...but...Thats just me...Let me know, its been a while since I typed something up...Now dont get me wrong..but I have no problem with Sheva... Both Sheva and Chris are retarded when controlled by the COM... Its simply a matter of principle...Chris is just an idiot and Sheva is just the senseble one...its just partner-rivalry..


End file.
